What's wrong with teaching dance to 6 year olds!

Recently we saw the movie Adjustment Bureau, which all about destiny.  The main character is faced with the choice to let the love of his life lead her life without him as she goes on to be a great dancer and choreographer or spend their life together AND.... wait for it... teach dance to six year olds!

What's so wrong with teaching dance to 6 year olds anyway?  Happily Ever After with the love of your life, a family and inspiring six year olds, giving them a love and appreciation for music and movement sounds like a happy ending if I ever heard one!  After being released from serving for years in the Children's Primary Presidency at church I was presented with a beautiful framed saying:

One Hundred Years from now

It will not matter

what kind of car I drove,

What kind of house I lived in,

how much money was in my bank account

nor what my clothes looked like.

But the world may be a better place because

I was important in the life of a child.

 
Sometimes I think people mix up priorities...  Besides the fact that this movie was advertised to look like adventure, it was simple a love story and because I don't usually like romance stuff... I didn't think think it was very good.... This movie was so predictable, I actually spent time checking out the decor and lighting in the theater!  BLACK SWAN on the other hand - LOVED IT!

What's your version of Happily Ever After?

I am coming up on 16 years of marriage. Click to read about my Love Story

And don't forget this artists version of these Fallen Princesses

To read more about this subject and the Divine Role of Women see my previous blog: Making the Home a Sacred Place

Too Much Tough Love, Not Enough LOVE!

"I'm smart; you're dumb;

I'm big, you're little;

I'm right, you're wrong,

and there's nothing you can do about it."

-Roald  Dahl

Let's talk... Read this article from the Wall Street Journal by Amy Chua, Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

I have lived in the fake family before. I lived with the controlling mother who expected perfection. A- was nothing to get excited about ... it was a MINUS and might as well have been and F.  And with a parent like that sooner or later you realize nothing will be good enough and you stop caring.  There is a difference between being a strict parenting and simply breaking your child's spirit!

While I believe in having high expectations, discipline, and routine I also believe in love and nurturing.  Making the home a safe place is part of Making The Home A Sacred Place.  By a safe home I mean a home in which children are allowed to fail or having short comings.  A loving parent will help a child overcome and work with these shortcomings, not hold it over their heads.  Or worse, using their vulnerabilities to manipulate and control them.

When we provide a safe place for children to fall they learn from those stumbles and avoid bigger falls later in life. My father told me about a family he observed.  He noticed that the parents sometimes let the teens make choices that he wasn't sure he would want his kids to make.  But as he continued to observe them and watch them grow up to become productive members of society he realized that the parents were closely watching their kids and allowing them the room to learn and grow from these small failures.

Don't get me wrong, I believe as a whole, western society does not have high enough expectations regarding behavior, work effort, school work, etc.  Tony Wagner, author of The Global Achievement Gap talks a little about this in his lectures regarding education.  He noticed that as an educator the western parents came to him at conferences saying, "Why are you giving my kids so much work." While eastern parents wanted to know why the kids were not going more math and science. 

I think this is because many eastern families have come to America more recently. They know what they are striving for - education, which will give them security and freedom.  While many Americans have begun taking these things for granted.  I believe when you expect more out of kids they give you more and if we all should have high expectations regarding behavior and education they would do better. This is evident whenever I work with kids, whether it be at school, church or in my own home, kids quickly learn how I expect them to behave and they quickly live up to it.

During the coverage of the current crises in Japan after the earthquake and tsunami many times has it been mentioned that there is no looting. This is part of the culture of respect, but also about expectations.

All that said, I think Tiger Mom is a joke.  She revels in tearing down her children, and laughs if off. I simply have no more to say about her.  Recently I found this, "It is easier to build up a child than to repair an adult. Your words and actions have amazing power in your child's life, use them wisely!"

Click to read more about my thoughts regarding High Expectations and Celebrating Your Child.

Leaving Your Children Behind?

Let's talk...Read this article on SALON.COM about Rahna Reiko Rizzuto's decision to leave her children behind.

For 16 years all I have wanted is to have babies and be a mother. During this time I have gone through all the typical phases of feelings including being upset when friends or family have baby after baby... Although those years were short and it was later much easier to be happy for friends and family who were expecting it was still annoying to hear them complain about being pregnant and having children. And of course we were eventually blessed with our own little miracle...

But before that a friend who had previously commiserated with me during her own fertility struggle, got pregnant and had a baby. So, when she told me that she signed up for the "This Is Not What I Expected Class" at the hospital it was all I could do to not roll my eyes. I think she struggled with PPD and some other issues. But still, just the title of that class still really annoys me at times. I imagine what type of women would sign up for this sort of class. I am sure it included career woman who weren't sure if they ever wanted to have a baby, but might have felt like it was just the next thing to do or just happened to get pregnant.

After all, what DID you expect?  The role of being a parent and especially a mother is not easy, the only instruction books are mostly written by male doctors who may not even know what they are talking about (Ezzo).  But however it is that one comes about to be a mother - that's it, you a mother! So as you can imagine reading about Rahna Reiko Rizzuto and her decision to leave her children behind as she researches and writes a book about the survivors of Hiroshima just infuriates me.  You don't just get to pick and choose when you want to actually live that role.  It's day in and day out, the rewards of which may never even be seen in your lifetime!

This is simple abandonment and detachment and makes me sick.  Mothers who do this had no business being mother in the first place!  My view may seem harsh, but another abandoned child knows exactly how I feel.

While the family I grew up in wasn't Hiroshima it was definitely WW3 behind the scenes.  From the time were young my siblings and I talked about our parents divorcing and we even decided who would go with who. 

Eventually the day came when my mother had an affair and decided to leave us behind.  She told my husband that she knew exactly what she was doing, that we didn't need her anymore (my baby sister was only twelve!)  And eventually after an argument in which she tried to tell us why she did nothing wrong (and all the reasons why my own Father didn't love me...) I had it and decided this was the perfect time to let this toxic person go from my life.  She then told my husband that she knew that would happen and she was fine with that. What kind of mother tells this to their child?   And later went on to tell us how she was now happy and moved on and if WE had a problem with it, maybe WE should seek counseling? 
This is so typical of divorced parents.  "I'm fine, I'm better off now... if you are still sad or upset or don't understand that's YOUR problem."  You can read more about this is in Barbara Defoe Whitehead's The Divorce Culture.

Even in cases of divorce after abuse or other issues where a parent may be better off it is never appropriate to say this to a child.  Children know what really happened, they may know about the abuse or affair, but that is still their mother and father and in a perfect world they wish they could be together.  So when a parent moves on, leaving the children behind they really twist that knife in just a little deeper.

After years of observing divorced parents I am quick to notice the signs of a parent doing this very thing. Sometimes they may not even actually say something to the child, but actions speak louder than words. I have seen mothers go from really be there for their kids day in and day out to picking and choosing when THEY want to be mom. They leave their kids too fend for themselves. They leave their kids with sitters, the other spouse or let them spend days at a time with other families as they pursue new relationships and a new life.  To make it even worse I have seen them begin new families and basically discard their previous kids and families as they dote on the new children.

I realize some of this may be the parents way to deal with the divorce. And I am sure the children remind them of the x-spouse at times and leaving them behind or at least putting distance between them as they pursue new interests, new relationships, new families and personal interests is just their way of coping.  But what about the kids?  Who will be there to help them cope? 

Parents like this will find years later that they really do not have the relationship they thought they had with their kids.  Statistics show that young adults these days have decided they don't want to be married and have families because of the bad example of their parents.  Thus will come a whole generation of kids from parents who were never really married or committed as they spend their life pursing the above mentioned relationships, career dreams and personal interests.

When I look around the world and see all the problems various people are trying to solve including disease, violence and war, I know that all of these could be solved by placing a higher value on Family, which I believe to be a sacred unit that can save the world, one child at a time!  When we place more focus on our own interests we leave our family behind.

When I was a child I loved the story My Turn On Earth by Carol Lynn Pearson and especially the song, It Isn't Good To Be Alone.  I believe God didn't mean for us to work our way through this often dreary world alone. He meant for us to have a family.

To read more about this subject and the Divine Role of Women see my previous blog: Making the Home a Sacred Place

Imaginary Jobs

The Tooth Fairy... just another one of those "imaginary jobs" of Motherhood - love that and totally stole it from a friend! Some times all of these extra imaginary jobs we have to do can be overwhelming. Especially when you feel the need to have a different costume for each one!  (I was recently asked if I had a "Laundry Fairy" costume!)  I don't have a Tooth Fairy costume today, but I was a Tooth Fairy for Halloween in 3rd grade.

You know when you have those dreams about showing up to school or work naked?  I don't have those dreams, but I do dream about showing up for school and not wearing the right cheer leading uniform. Well, my first day on the job as the Tooth Fairy was like that... instead of not wearing the right thing I didn't have any cash!

Awsumb was so nervous about his first loose tooth that he didn't tell me until it was just hanging there. In true "Dennis Awsumb" fashion I said, "let me just wiggle it" and ripped it out! And because I didn't know he had a loose tooth I couldn't prepare ahead. And well, that's about how the next 7 loose ones went as well.

The night I ripped the first one out I only had a $10 bill. And because Kenneth was so mad that I had just ripped the tooth out I felt bad and wrote Awsumb a special note with sparkly pen from the Tooth Fairy... something about being brave. Well, that was a big mistake, from then on Awsumb expected $10 AND a special note. Although I know he loved the money, he really loved the notes too and keeps them in his keepsake box.

Just like so many of the other imaginary and real jobs of Motherhood there is no manual. So of course I learned some of the best ideas AFTER Awsumb had already lost most of his baby teeth ... if you are lucky enough to read this before your babies teeth fall out you can take advantage...

1- Leave a special note from the Tooth Fairy. Use glitter, sparkly pen or special paper.

2- Gold Coins or $2 bills are available at the bank upon request. Get a few now and set them aside. They will be super fun for your child to find and make a great keepsake.

3- Money from around the world. Ask people you know traveling to different countries to bring back coins or a small bill. Explain to your child that the Tooth Fairy travels all over the world and often has the wrong currency. Help your child find the country on a map and take the opportunity to do a little research together.

4- Glitter! Don't forget to leave a trail of glitter! (If you suffer from OCD skip idea #4... cleaning up glitter is just too maddening!)

What do you do when you don your Tooth Fairy costume?

Making The Home A Sacred Place

Through my daily struggle to break the chains of abuse from my own childhood I must be continually conscious of my parenting decisions. This is why I carefully study the women around me and why learning about attachment parenting, positive discipline and the continuum concept have been so important to me.

I was just reading this talk from Elder M. Russell Ballard given to Mothers and Daughters April 2010 regarding the divine role of Mothers.

I would like to share with you a few passages that are significant to my own life...

"I understand that some of you young women do not have mothers with whom you can discuss these issues. And many of you women do not presently have daughters in your lives. But because all women have within their divine nature both the inherent talent and the stewardship to mother, most of what I will say applies equally to grandmothers, aunts, sisters, stepmothers, mothers-in-law, leaders, and other mentors who sometimes fill the gaps for these significant mother-daughter relationships."

He goes onto talk about the importance of being nurturing....

"Teach your daughters to find joy in nurturing children. This is where their love and talents can have the greatest eternal significance. Consider in this context President Harold B. Lee’s injunction that “the most important . . . work you will ever do will be within the walls of your own homes.”

Elder Ballard defines a nurturing parent in The Sacred Responsibilities of Parenthood, a speech from August 2003.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World "teaches that "mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." Nurturing refers to parenting behaviors such as warmth, support, bonding, attachment, recognizing each child's unique needs and abilities, and attending to children's needs. Nurturing in and of itself is more important in the development of a child than is any particular method or technique of child rearing. It hardly needs saying that nurturing is best carried out in a stable, safe family context."
And finally my complete objective as I strive to be a good mother...

"A mother's nurturing love arouses in children, from their earliest days on earth, an awakening of the memories of love and goodness they experience in their premortal existence, Because our mothers love us, we learn, or more accurately remember, that God also loves us."
To my Auntie Laurel and other women in my life who "fill in the gaps" to help me feel God's love - Thank you! When we strive to provide a place for our children to launch from and return to each day, where they know they will feel God's love... what more can we do?

The Family: America’s Smallest School

As the beginning of a new school year approaches I find myself pondering about my own choices to educate my child and recommitting myself to the decision we have made. It has been a great sacrifice to send Awsumb to the school he attends and I won't go into the specifics today. The reason for this post is to remind us all that...

"For the Opportunity to Thrive to be realized, and for us as a nation to reach the ambitious educational goals that we have set for ourselves, we must keep clear in our minds that our family is our first and smallest school." -Marc H. Morial

I recently finished reading The Global Achievement Gap by Tony Wagner. Kenneth listened to this educator and father speak a few months ago. He reminds us that when we were growing up our parents told us to finish our dinner because children were starving in ____ (name the place). But today we need to tell our children to finish their math homework because children in India and other places are studying harder than ever.

Our schools are failing. Our schools have changed very little over the past 50 to 100 years. We are still teaching children to be ready for a 1950’s work environment. A basic professional job in the 50’s required an employee to obey their boss and follow directions. Things are different today. Children today need to graduate ready to succeed in college. (a rant for another day). When they hit the workplace, they will need to have critical thinking and problem solving skills, they will need to know how to work in groups with people that may be located all over the world. They will also need to know how to research and sift through a plethora of information and find the relevant, truthful info to complete tasks. I can’t wait to discuss more about this with you…

But, however outraged I might become about what it NOT happening in our schools I always remind myself that it all begins at home. The reason so many charter or choice schools look like good on paper has little to do with the method of teaching or even the teachers. What sets these schools apart is parent involvement. Of course if you group all the kids who have parent support at home they will do well!

I often rant that most all the problems in the world can only be solved if we start with the family. Social, financial, are among these, but especially education. Our country will never pull ahead and begin to change things if we don’t first start in our families. And this means first putting a value on the family unit. The importance of having a mother and a father. The importance of a regular family schedule. The importance of having parents AT HOME. The importance of creating a stimulating environment in the home full of books and free play time. The importance of parents as examples, reading to their child and continuing their own education, formal or informal.

This does not mean taking children out of their homes earlier and earlier as previous programs such as No Child Left Behind. It means teaching families and parents to value education. Kenneth and I listened to An American Life the other day about Baby College in a poor neighborhood. While the program may seem obvious to those raised in middle or upper class families it was amazing to hear the parents realize that not beating their kids and using positive forms of discipline might actually make life easier in the long run… Or for them to realize the importance of reading to their child, talking to them, using real words, spending time with them… These are things that no school program can give a child. We now know that those early developmental years and most important. More than any programs that we can come up with for kids that age. We need programs for the parents of the kids that age!

Follow this link to read more about The Family: America's Smallest School

Whatever the educational options you might have for your child, what you do in your home means more than anything. Continuing to read to your children, guiding them as they research their interests, providing stimulating imagination and play time and most important showing them the value you place on education are a great start. Whether we realize it or not, we are all homeschooling our children!

Earth Day

As I was folding a basket of clothes this evening and watching Oprah's Earth Day special she talked about the "garbage swirls in the ocean." We watched a program about this on the Discovery Channel a while back. I was reminded of one of my favorite talks by Julie Beck. This is just an excerpt...

Mothers Who Know Do Less
Mothers who know do less. They permit less of what will not bear good fruit eternally. They allow less media in their homes, less distraction, less activity that draws their children away from their home. Mothers who know are willing to live on less and consume less of the world’s goods in order to spend more time with their children—more time eating together, more time working together, more time reading together, more time talking, laughing, singing, and exemplifying. These mothers choose carefully and do not try to choose it all. Their goal is to prepare a rising generation of children who will take the gospel of Jesus Christ into the entire world. Their goal is to prepare future fathers and mothers who will be builders of the Lord’s kingdom for the next 50 years. That is influence; that is power.


As parents we want to give our children everything. But often giving them less is really giving them more. It is my position that the best thing we can do for the earth is to consume less in the first place.

If you don't want the toy that comes with a kids meal, don't order the kids meal, ask for no toy or better yet skip the fast food altogether! I tried to avoid plastic toys when Awsumb was little and soon realized that wasn't going to happen. But I consciously think about what we are buying to add to our own growing "sea of plastic" here in our own home. Now, if we could just get toy makers to stop boxing things with out all those extra twist ties and layers of plastic packaging!

Don't buy so many things in individually wrapped packages. Although individually packages snacks may seem easier, it only takes a minute to pour a few goldfish into a little cup for your child. Same with juice. I don't like to use individual juice boxes at home. Instead I buy a big bottle and even usually add water to it when I serve it!

We are lucky to live in an area with an extensive recycling system. We have three large trash cans. The 1st is for regular trash, the 2nd is for all recycling (bottles, paper, cans, glass etc.) and the 3rd is for yard waste (food scraps and things like pizza boxes). We pay more money depending on the size of the can we have for our regular trash. In my neighborhood most people pay for the smallest size trash can for their regular trash, which makes the recycling can bigger in comparison. I think it is a great challenge to try for more recycling that regular trash each week.

A couple months ago we tried to go for a whole month without going to Target (which , if you don't already know, is where you buy all the plastic and bring it home in plastic bags! LOL!) This was really only truly possible because I have a good supply of soap and other needs stocked. We really did try, but eventually we ended up going in the last week and I don't even remember what for.

Next time you are checking out, or better yet, filling up your cart, think about what you are consuming and if there is a better way! As I always say, we vote with our dollar!

I think about Julie Beck's talk often. Especially this paragraph. "Choosing carefully or not at all" can be applied to other areas as well, such as the activities a child participates in. Do you spend more time driving around with your kids than at home just hanging out? More about this later...

(Read more of this talk by following the link "Mothers Who Know" in the Parenting and Family Links along the side of this blog.)