For 16 years all I have wanted is to have babies and be a mother. During this time I have gone through all the typical phases of feelings including being upset when friends or family have baby after baby... Although those years were short and it was later much easier to be happy for friends and family who were expecting it was still annoying to hear them complain about being pregnant and having children. And of course we were eventually blessed with our own little miracle...
But before that a friend who had previously commiserated with me during her own fertility struggle, got pregnant and had a baby. So, when she told me that she signed up for the "This Is Not What I Expected Class" at the hospital it was all I could do to not roll my eyes. I think she struggled with PPD and some other issues. But still, just the title of that class still really annoys me at times. I imagine what type of women would sign up for this sort of class. I am sure it included career woman who weren't sure if they ever wanted to have a baby, but might have felt like it was just the next thing to do or just happened to get pregnant.
After all, what DID you expect? The role of being a parent and especially a mother is not easy, the only instruction books are mostly written by male doctors who may not even know what they are talking about (Ezzo). But however it is that one comes about to be a mother - that's it, you a mother! So as you can imagine reading about Rahna Reiko Rizzuto and her decision to leave her children behind as she researches and writes a book about the survivors of Hiroshima just infuriates me. You don't just get to pick and choose when you want to actually live that role. It's day in and day out, the rewards of which may never even be seen in your lifetime!
This is simple abandonment and detachment and makes me sick. Mothers who do this had no business being mother in the first place! My view may seem harsh, but another abandoned child knows exactly how I feel.
Eventually the day came when my mother had an affair and decided to leave us behind. She told my husband that she knew exactly what she was doing, that we didn't need her anymore (my baby sister was only twelve!) And eventually after an argument in which she tried to tell us why she did nothing wrong (and all the reasons why my own Father didn't love me...) I had it and decided this was the perfect time to let this toxic person go from my life. She then told my husband that she knew that would happen and she was fine with that. What kind of mother tells this to their child? And later went on to tell us how she was now happy and moved on and if WE had a problem with it, maybe WE should seek counseling?
This is so typical of divorced parents. "I'm fine, I'm better off now... if you are still sad or upset or don't understand that's YOUR problem." You can read more about this is in Barbara Defoe Whitehead's The Divorce Culture.
Even in cases of divorce after abuse or other issues where a parent may be better off it is never appropriate to say this to a child. Children know what really happened, they may know about the abuse or affair, but that is still their mother and father and in a perfect world they wish they could be together. So when a parent moves on, leaving the children behind they really twist that knife in just a little deeper.
After years of observing divorced parents I am quick to notice the signs of a parent doing this very thing. Sometimes they may not even actually say something to the child, but actions speak louder than words. I have seen mothers go from really be there for their kids day in and day out to picking and choosing when THEY want to be mom. They leave their kids too fend for themselves. They leave their kids with sitters, the other spouse or let them spend days at a time with other families as they pursue new relationships and a new life. To make it even worse I have seen them begin new families and basically discard their previous kids and families as they dote on the new children.
I realize some of this may be the parents way to deal with the divorce. And I am sure the children remind them of the x-spouse at times and leaving them behind or at least putting distance between them as they pursue new interests, new relationships, new families and personal interests is just their way of coping. But what about the kids? Who will be there to help them cope?
Parents like this will find years later that they really do not have the relationship they thought they had with their kids. Statistics show that young adults these days have decided they don't want to be married and have families because of the bad example of their parents. Thus will come a whole generation of kids from parents who were never really married or committed as they spend their life pursing the above mentioned relationships, career dreams and personal interests.
When I look around the world and see all the problems various people are trying to solve including disease, violence and war, I know that all of these could be solved by placing a higher value on Family, which I believe to be a sacred unit that can save the world, one child at a time! When we place more focus on our own interests we leave our family behind.
When I was a child I loved the story My Turn On Earth by Carol Lynn Pearson and especially the song, It Isn't Good To Be Alone. I believe God didn't mean for us to work our way through this often dreary world alone. He meant for us to have a family.
To read more about this subject and the Divine Role of Women see my previous blog: Making the Home a Sacred Place
1 comments:
My not so humble opinion? This woman never should have become a mother. The sheer level of selfishness in this story -- celebrated as a higher quality of motherhood, no less -- dumbfounds me.
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