Too Much Tough Love, Not Enough LOVE!

"I'm smart; you're dumb;

I'm big, you're little;

I'm right, you're wrong,

and there's nothing you can do about it."

-Roald  Dahl

Let's talk... Read this article from the Wall Street Journal by Amy Chua, Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

I have lived in the fake family before. I lived with the controlling mother who expected perfection. A- was nothing to get excited about ... it was a MINUS and might as well have been and F.  And with a parent like that sooner or later you realize nothing will be good enough and you stop caring.  There is a difference between being a strict parenting and simply breaking your child's spirit!

While I believe in having high expectations, discipline, and routine I also believe in love and nurturing.  Making the home a safe place is part of Making The Home A Sacred Place.  By a safe home I mean a home in which children are allowed to fail or having short comings.  A loving parent will help a child overcome and work with these shortcomings, not hold it over their heads.  Or worse, using their vulnerabilities to manipulate and control them.

When we provide a safe place for children to fall they learn from those stumbles and avoid bigger falls later in life. My father told me about a family he observed.  He noticed that the parents sometimes let the teens make choices that he wasn't sure he would want his kids to make.  But as he continued to observe them and watch them grow up to become productive members of society he realized that the parents were closely watching their kids and allowing them the room to learn and grow from these small failures.

Don't get me wrong, I believe as a whole, western society does not have high enough expectations regarding behavior, work effort, school work, etc.  Tony Wagner, author of The Global Achievement Gap talks a little about this in his lectures regarding education.  He noticed that as an educator the western parents came to him at conferences saying, "Why are you giving my kids so much work." While eastern parents wanted to know why the kids were not going more math and science. 

I think this is because many eastern families have come to America more recently. They know what they are striving for - education, which will give them security and freedom.  While many Americans have begun taking these things for granted.  I believe when you expect more out of kids they give you more and if we all should have high expectations regarding behavior and education they would do better. This is evident whenever I work with kids, whether it be at school, church or in my own home, kids quickly learn how I expect them to behave and they quickly live up to it.

During the coverage of the current crises in Japan after the earthquake and tsunami many times has it been mentioned that there is no looting. This is part of the culture of respect, but also about expectations.

All that said, I think Tiger Mom is a joke.  She revels in tearing down her children, and laughs if off. I simply have no more to say about her.  Recently I found this, "It is easier to build up a child than to repair an adult. Your words and actions have amazing power in your child's life, use them wisely!"

Click to read more about my thoughts regarding High Expectations and Celebrating Your Child.